The Paradox of Masturbation
I have always found more reasons not to masturbate than to do so, and yet I still do so. Even now, I am writing this post to prevent myself from masturbating. It is a compulsion, different from addiction in its reinforcing drives, but the same in that incentive is dependent on the fulfillment of a need.
I need to express myself sexually, and masturbation provides that outlet, and so I achieve sexual catharsis through auto-erotica. This sexual relief is readily apparent, and motivates me to do it again, even though I know it is unhealthy and of no intrinsic merit, that the feeling is artificial and does not even so much as represent the pleasure, sexual fulfillment, and physical intimacy present in the actual experience. Yet I do it anyway compulsively, even though I know full well what a terrible substitute it makes for real sex. Why, why do I do it?
Masturbation is a paradox, because it provides an outlet for freedom, but the very act of doing so deprives me of the motivation to gain the true freedom that can only be manifested through sexual relations with another. The antidepressant replaces euphoria, and in doing so eliminates the opportunity to experience the ecstasy by which the act was motivated by in the first place. I masturbate only to simulate the experience, but the simulation ends up replacing the real experience entirely. This is the paradox that is masturbation.